FFD: Welcome Back Eighth Years
by MercyDragon264
Summary: The Battle for Hogwarts is over and those who would have graduated return for another year at Hogworts. What happens when a new class is introduced, forcing bonds that otherwise would not have been formed? Welcome back eighth years! You're gonna need all the luck you can get with 'Family Functions and Dynamics for Dummies! OOC, OC's, Disclaimer!
1. FamilyFunctions and Dynamics for Dummies

**Hello everyone! This is my alternate version of 'Home Sweet Home'. For those of you who haven't read that version: don't worry about it. For those who have read it, read the Authors Note that I posted; it'll explain why I'm re-writing it under a different title.**

**I'll warn you all right now before you start reading: I'm graduating at the end of this year and, unlike most Seniors, I filled my schedule completely, I have two and a half jobs, I take martial arts everyday, and I'm working on publishing a book before I graduate so my updating schedule will be a mess. It should even out a bit more once I graduate. Also I will not let myself be as pressured to continue past where I want to end it unlike with 'Home Sweet Home' where I kept going into each characters separate problems as a response to reviews.**

**So without further ado, I don't own Harry Potter and you may now start reading.**

**Edited: 6/17/13**

* * *

From the day they started school over seven years ago, all of the students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry all agreed that the days had raced past what with dealing with evil megalomaniacs and sadistic Potions Masters. Who would blame them if nearly all of what was supposed to be the previous year's graduating class came back to repeat the entire year over again? Pretty much no one, in fact most parents even encouraged it – especially since the previous Deputy Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall, was now official Headmistress after the death of the previous two Headmasters within a year of each other.

Unknown to the parents, however, the new Headmistress wanted to go about everything completely differently than in years previous to prevent the mass eradication of all things magical. And so, struck on the inspiration from witnessing a muggle health classes 'Baby Project', she decided to make her own 'Baby Class'. Okay so maybe it was more of a 'Learning not to Kill Each Other' Class but hey, it would work just as well… hopefully…

And so, when the seventh years and honorary 'eighth years' returned that school year they got quite the surprise when they looked down at their schedules and for the last double block of the day – first, in the case for those who had Ancient Runes and/or Advanced Transfiguration– they saw the class "Family Functions and Dynamics for Dummies: Not so 'Dummy' After All" on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. For about five minutes there was a massive sweat drop before the complaints started.

Later that night, while Minerva was sitting in her new office polishing up a case of the previous Headmasters beloved scotch, Albus Dumbledore looked down from his portrait and said in a humorous voice with that thrice damned twinkle in his eye, "Well, that went much better than expected."

* * *

Four days later when school started – who would be cruel enough to make the students go to for one day before getting a weekend break? *cough*Snape*cough* – Hermione Jane Granger stumbled out of bed early in order to take a shower, eat breakfast and get to the new class early to scope out what it was actually all about or to see if it was some sick sort of joke and they'd finally hand them their true schedules. She honestly didn't know why they had a class such as this – and this was coming from a brainiac such as her who idolized learning!

All the way in the dungeons, one Draconis Lucian Malfoy was doing the same exact thing as her, though he spent undoubtedly longer on his hair than she did. Another difference: he was cursing his mother for forcing him to come back to school after his father had been sent to Azkaban – yet again – for being a death eater while he and Narcissa were pardoned thanks to one Harry Potter, The Boy Who Just Wouldn't Die. While he knew he was being an ungrateful git, he couldn't help it; Potter always brought out the worst in him and damned it if he didn't have the right to curse that sonavabitch into next week for ruining his family. And speaking of family… Who got high enough to actually come up with such an appalling course?

Back in the Great Hall, Hermione had made a new school record that was previously held by some unknown student – something Riddle I think was his name but ah well – that would have made Ron green with envy; she'd managed to down her breakfast in ten seconds flat – beating the record by five milliseconds – before literally flying to the corridor that was above the Slytherin Dorm entranceway where the classroom for the Family Functions and Dynamics Class – FFD for short – would be held. She was hugely disappointed when the teacher didn't show until five minutes after the Class was supposed to start.

When the teacher finally did show, she entered in a very Snapeish manner that no one had ever been able to match, despite being his total opposite in looks. It was true. While the Greasy Potions Mater had had the greasiest black hair ever recorded, one of the most evil sneers that would give Voldemort a run for his money, the blackest most hateful eyes, and was downright hideous, this… this Goddess had the most silken looking golden locks, the clearest dreamy blue eyes that sparkled with love and affection, the looks that would make even that Abstinent Bat drool, and the smile to melt the Dark Lords Heart. Yes, they truly were complete opposites which made the entire male species – claimed or otherwise – sit straighter in their chairs and pay attention and the females – well, mainly the ones who were interested in the other species – glower with envy.

"Hello Class!" the Professor chirped happily with a Finnish accent as she approached the front of the room, all eyes following – some for more perverse reasons. "My name is Professor Kondomi , though I would like you all to call me Gloria for obvious reasons for those who know what my last name actually means."

"What does it mean, Profess- I mean Gloria?" Pansy Parkinson asked rudely without raising her hand from the back of the room.

"Any muggle students here who speak Finnish?"

Hermione just blushed and, for once in her life, did not raise her hand. When no one raised their hand, she just raised her eyebrow, looking directly at Hermione, and said one word. "Condom."

All around the room, students with muggle relatives started coughing and choking while those without just looked at them confused.

"What exactly is this 'condom' you speak of?" Draco Malfoy asked pompously.

"Muggle contraceptive," Hermione coughed into her hand just lough enough for him to hear. At least he had the decency to turn red.

Once the class quieted down, Gloria spoke up, "I will tell you the course outline and what will be expected of you during this school year. But before I actually do that, I want the male portion of the class to come up here and pick a name out of this hat. The name selected will be your partner for the rest of the year and they cannot be changed under any circumstances."

Out of nowhere, Gloria pulled a black top hat – exactly like those muggle magicians used to pull rabbits out of – out of thin air. With a little prompting, students started coming up to the front of the room to pull out names.

"Now some names will be students from the later class but don't worry about it for right now," Gloria said as let Theodore Nott out a squawk of outrage when he found that not only wasn't his partner in his class, but it was none other than Loony Lovegood to boot. "Everything will work out just perfectly."

Some students raised a skeptical eye but all turned their gaze to Draco as soon as it was his turn to pull a name out of the 'Accursed Hat of Doom' as the students had irrationally decided to name it. Okay maybe there was a teensy bit of rationality to it. After all what kind of hat would allow Draco Malfoy – Pompous Pureblood Supreme, son of the Dark Lord Voldemorts right hand – pull out the name of Hermione Granger – Muggleborn Brainiac? A very irrational hat indeed…

"I object!" Draco yelled with as much pomposity as he could muster. Too bad he forgot that his daddy was no longer in a position to get him out of this sort of dilemma.

"Overruled," Gloria smirked at him. "Go sit down before I give you detention. Boy, do I hate pompous idiots. Why, oh why, can't there be more decent guys?"

Draco gave one last sneer towards the teacher before storming back to his seat where he 'let' Pansy Parkinson fall over him like puppy wanting for attention.

"Now," Gloria said pulling out another hat – pink this time – and shaking it around, "I want all of the girls to come up here when I call your name, take out a slip of paper and hand it to me without looking."

Ten minutes later, after recording whatever was on those sheets of paper, Gloria took out yet another hat – white – and had everyone take out another slip of paper that they weren't allowed to see while recording whatever those infuriating pieces of paper were telling her. By the time the bell rang, Gloria was telling them all to repack their bags by that night – for they would be meeting up with both her and the later class to meet up with partners and get set up for the year-round student project and eating dinner a 'little later and in a different location than the other years', according to Gloria.

* * *

That night, Harry, Ron, Hermione and the other seventh and eighth year Griffindors made their way down to the area by Hagrid's Hut – as told to by Gloria – meeting up with those of the other three houses along the way.

"So whattya think the projec's abou'?" Ron slurred sleepily. "It must be awful for me to partner with that Parkinson."

"Well, at least I'm paired up with Ginny," Harry said earning a glare from Ron.

"Will you two shut up? I'm trying to concentrate," Hermione snapped.

"Yea, you're gonna need all your patience to deal with that Ferret," Ron agreed, gaining a smack on the back of the head from Hermione. "Wha's tha for?"

"For being a moron," she humphed before speeding up.

"You kind of deserved that you know," Harry said, oh so helpfully.

"Yeah, I know…" Ron said before they continued on their way down to the Hut; neither noticing the curious looks coming from the nearby Slytherin's – or well two Slytherin's in particular.

"Okay, now that I have everyone here and not just one class, I can finally tell you what the Project is!" Gloria chirped happily along like everyone figured she was prone to do – kind of like Snape and sulking. "Now everyone get with your partners and come up to me so I can give the girls this potion! Don't worry: it's tasteless!"

Every one of the group gave a relieved sigh to hear that. Most potions you came across tasted like decayed feces – which sadly wasn't that inaccurate a description – and the guys were just happy not to be ingesting any potion despite it being tasteless. Gloria just happily gave each female partner their potion and made sure they drank all of it – and I mean 'ALL OF IT' – before moving back to the front of the group.

"Okay, so I think you're all curious about those papers you took out of the pink and white hats were, correct?" Gloria asked gaining a round of nods. "Well they were to determine how many babies you would have and when, and also what role you'd have in the family and what job you'd have in the community! Isn't that so exciting?"

She was met with nothing but silence…

"Since there are no objections, Hagrid, would you be a dear and show these delightful dears to their new 'Home'? I have to get ready for our date tonight!" And without another word she just bounced away back up to the castle, not bothering to up her 'Snape Façade' like she'd done at the beginning of her classes – that was mainly because of a joke since she'd been apprenticed to the bat for a year three years before they'd started school. The students just stood there staring at her retreating figure in shock until the before unnoticed Hagrid – that's not something you hear every day – coughed a couple times to gain their attention.

"Follo' me," Hagrid said as he started for the Forbidden Forest with Fang right on his heels. Not willing to be left behind, the students quickly followed them into the Forbidden Forest – did anyone mention that it was FORBIDDEN? "Now, no'ice we're on a path? It is labeled out front with a sign marking the beginning o' da path. O'er the summer, the teachers warded it so tha' you coul' get to and from the village safely in order for classes. Tha village is also warded, jus' so ya know."

"Hagrid, exactly what village are we talking about here?" Harry asked cautiously.

"Hogwarts Village o'course," Hagrid exclaimed, shocked that they didn't previously know about it. Of course they should have known; their teacher was so forthcoming in every respect… "You'll be livin' there for the resta tha year. Each house is marked with a plaque on the mailbox for who'll be living where. It was based on the jobs you got and how many children you'll be having. Yer jobs and such will be posted on the fridge. The rest o' the important stuff you'll be able to access from the computers each house has been assigned. Also, the teachers will be coming down to the local school to teach yer classes since you'll hav' ta stay here when the younglings are born they just decided to do it the whole year. Ah, 'ere we are!"

They came off of the path into a large clearing with a couple of farms surrounding a village that looked to be out of an old history text book. Overall, it was actually pretty charming… well, except if you were a pureblood.

"Now off ya go," Hagrid told them. "'Ere are copies of the Town map so ya don' get lost. Ya can find yer residence if you just tap tha map an' say yer name. An' Fella's, I suggest ya treat them girls righ' or else."

And with that the gentle giant lumbered away into the forest with Fang, leaving the class filled with nothing but dread.

"So…" Ron said breaking the silence. "Who wants to see if these maps actually work first?"

"How 'bout you, Weasel Bee? Since you're so eager," Draco said, although the normal bite was severely lacking – which worried Hermione to some very small degree, deep, deep down.

"Fine, since you're a coward," Ron replied, also lacking the normal bite. Maybe this could actually be good for them, Hermione thought full of mirth as Ron tapped his and Pansy's copy of the map and said his name. Over one of the farm houses, a large yellow star with both partners names showed up signifying their residence. "Damn, it's on the other side."

"You complain on how far it is to get there but not the fact that it's a farm?" Pansy asked revolted, raising an eyebrow at her 'husband' – since the class practically married them for the time being.

"So what? At least I know most of what goes on, on a farm," Ron defended before muttering under his breath. "Thank you, Uncle Bilius."

"Charming," Pansy sneered before pushing him in the direction the map stated was their new home. "Lead the way home, Farmer Weasel."

"Okay, us next, Gin," Harry said quickly before Draco could make any comments as he could see Draco had certainly opened his mouth to do so. Their star showed up over top one of the local restaurants, which they were apparently supposed to manage, much to Harry's excitement and Ginny's dissatisfaction. Without wasting time, he started dragging her towards their home, which was only a block from where they were.

"Hey, Mudblood, where do we live?"

"How do I know? You have the map, remember?" Hermione said, trying to be reasonable. He just sniffed at her before tapping the map, saying his name, and then storming of in a random direction without at least letting her know where they were going. She tried to follow as best she could but after a block and a half, she completely lost sight of him.

Seeing the sign over a door that she recognized to be the restaurant that was below Harry and Ginny's home, she raced for the alleyway knowing that the stairs up to their apartment would be in back. As she rung their doorbell, she hoped that they weren't downstairs in the restaurant looking around there quite yet. She was in luck as Ginny opened the door.

"Oh, thank goodness," Hermione sighed. "Do you or Harry still have your map? Draco stormed off with it and I tried to follow but I lost him and I don't even know where our house is. Oh, how I wish I could strangle that bloody ferret!"

"Wow, Hermione," Ginny grinned in amusement. "And I thought I would have problems running a restaurant – thank god Harry can cook because I can't even touch a stove without burning water. Harry's downstairs fawning over the kitchen – I really don't know what he sees in it; as quoted by some random play, 'it's all Greek to me'. He still has the map in his pocket; just please remember to return it. I give myself five minutes before I get lost in this place."

"Oh, thank you!" Hermione thanked her over and over even going as far as to give her a bone crushing hug.

"Don't sweat it," Ginny laughed. "C'mon, there's a closet somewhere near here with stairs going down into the basement which has stairs up into the back office of the restaurant. I just have to remember which one…"

After five minutes of searching for the 'closet', Hermione was the one who stumbled upon it – much to Ginny's chagrin – and they went downstairs to find Harry shuffling around in the freezer room looking through the food they had to work with.

"Harry, Draco ditched Hermione," Ginny spoke from the entrance to the room. Harry's head snapped up at the mention of his name, his demeanor grew colder at what he heard. "Can she borrow our map since he didn't even let her see where they were living?"

"Sure," Harry said digging around in the many pockets of his robes – for some reason he liked lots and lots of pockets… - before finding said map and handing it to Hermione. "If you need help with him, Ron and I'll be happy to help. I'm sure Ron would be happy to be rid of Pansy for a few hours as well."

"Thanks Harry, but I can deal with him; pregnancy in my family is not a pretty thing so I'm sure he'll get his due," Hermione smirked before tapping her wand on the map and saying her name. Her star came up over top of a rather large house three blocks over right behind the Town Hall and next to the School across from the Daycare center. "Well that's rather convenient… I'm afraid to know who has the position of power to get that house…"

"If Draco is mayor can we riot?" Ginny asked; a picture of false innocence.

"Sadly no," Hermione sighed.

"Well, it won't be all that bad," Harry said, trying to sound positive. "For all you know it could be because you're having quadruplets…"

Both girls just stared at him in horror. Wasn't one child with the bloody ferret enough? Who'd want to go through that torture with more than one junior?

"Joking, joking…"

"You'd better," Ginny grumbled at Hermione's defense.

"Well, I'd better get home before Draco completely destroys it or does something equally rash," Hermione said heading for the front of the restaurant with Ginny following. "I'll see you later, Ginny. If I need help making Draco's life miserable, I'll call you over and he can deal with not one but two pregnant women."

"Please do; that would be quite fun," Ginny grinned. "Though I hope I'm like Mum while pregnant; she hardly showed any signs, besides the bump, according to Dad, Bill, and Charlie. No nausea, no mood swings, no nothing."

"Oh, how I wish," Hermione said while picturing her mother when she was pregnant with her little brother and sister.

"See ya!"

With one last wave, Hermione started off in the direction she could see the top of the Town Hall building over the other houses in between. It took her a while walking but she didn't mind; it was a very beautiful village in her opinion and she didn't mind sightseeing. When she got to the front of her and Draco's new home, she could see all the lights on in the house – didn't he know to conserve electricity?

Without a moment's hesitation she burst into the house and started turning out lights as she searched for Draco while memorizing the layout of the house. When she finally found him, it was in a room on the second floor that looked like it would become the nursery – there was a big book in the center of the room with lots of pictures of baby furniture in it along with paint and rug samples. Draco was sitting cross legged on the floor flipping through the book with a quill and marking off different types of furniture – a check if it was a distinct possibility, an X if it was completely out.

"Do you realize that we actually have to pay bills?" Hermione asked him while leaning against the doorframe.

"Do I care, Mudblood?" He replied, continuing on.

"You should since leaving all the lights on in the entire house uses up electricity and it adds up real fast," Hermione said casually with an under trace of frustration.

"You're one of _those_ women aren't you, Granger?" She raised her eye questioningly. "Everything has to be by your standards and anything that isn't even remotely what you want you throw a fit over; my mother's like that…"

"Ah…" was all she said before walking over to look over his shoulder.

"I'm not letting you pick out the furniture. You would likely get the cheapest set in here with your pauperesque value and taste. I refuse to let my children – even if you are their mother – live with anything but the best."

"So you're one of _those_ men… You are just like your mother."

"Shut it, Granger," he hissed, trying to hide the book from her view.

"At least get the wooden stuff in Rosewood?" Hermione asked, remembering how much she loved her mother's antique Rosewood rocking chair – which was a family heirloom from the early 1800's. Draco gave no indication of hearing her so she just sighed and exited to the room to go claim her bedroom before he did.

Eventually, Hermione chose the one right across from the nursery so that she had direct access to it when the baby was born – though the real reason was because it had three bookshelves filled with books she'd never even heard of before, but she'd never admit to it. It had a lovely color scheme of earthly greens and browns and the furniture was made of Mahogany. Added to the beauty of the room was the window that over looked the rather large backyard and the willow tree – not of the womping kind thank goodness – that overlooked a small pond filled with lots of colorful, non-dangerous fish.

After unpacking her bags, Hermione picked up the book she'd placed upon the nightstand – Pride and Prejudice – and lay down to read it once more before falling asleep with the light still on.

* * *

"And you complained about me leaving all the lights in the house on?" came Draco's irritating voice the next morning. Hermione really didn't want to hear that voice this early in the morning.

Before she could reply back, a wave of nausea hit her and she bolted to the bathroom attached to her room.

"Granger?"

"Go away," she moaned, before going back to her worshiping.

"Are you all right?"

"What do you think?"

"…"

"Go make some Gingerroot tea if you want to be helpful," she snapped before expelling even more of her stomach acid – as that was all that was left at that point.

Never let it be said that Draco Malfoy didn't know when a good time to pick a fight was and when it was time to just do as he was told. When Hermione exited her bathroom seven minutes later, there was a China tea set sitting on her nightstand with three packets of Gingerroot tea steeping in the pot. She gratefully poured herself a cup and drank it before searching through the wardrobe for sweatpants and a loose shirt – she really didn't feel up to the whole dress up game and would put robes on overtop of her clothes when it was time to walk over to the school for lessons.

Down in the kitchen, Draco was cooking – cooking! – an omelet filled with onions, peppers and mushrooms that he'd found in the fridge when Hermione came down with the tea set. He just looked up as she walked in before concentrating on cooking once again. When he was done, he put it on a plate and set it down in front of Hermione who had her head resting on the counter of the kitchen island while sitting on one of the ash barstools. She looked up and raised an eyebrow at the food, wondering if it was safe to eat.

"Uncle Severus made sure that I knew how to cook," Draco said simply shrugging. "I cooked mother food a couple times when she was pregnant with my baby sister before she miscarried. She said food cooked by humans instead of the house elves made her feel better after her bouts of morning sickness…"

"Wow… Draco Malfoy actually has a heart," Hermione chuckled to herself. "What would happen if your pureblooded friends found out that you felt sorry for the Mudblood?"

"Which is why they won't find out, ever," Draco said serenely while making his own omelet. "Or else I won't help you ever again. Got it, Granger?"

"It's Hermione."

"What…?"

"If we're going to get a good score on the project by raising this child, we might as well act like we even get along. He doesn't need to hear his parents acting like they hate each other. Besides, isn't it time we dropped that attitude? We aren't first years anymore."

"Fine, but if you start calling me Drakey-poo I'll kill you," he smirked over his shoulder.

"Duly noted," Hermione replied smiling. "This is actually quite good, surprisingly."

"Yeah… Uncle Sev was a great chef," Draco smiled in memory. "Though he went slightly overboard teaching me; every time I messed up he'd start ranting up a storm. He hated imperfection. He actually had a soft spot for you because you followed the rules so well except for when you were with Potter and Weasley, though you annoyed him by not experimenting on how to do things better than what the book instructed."

"Soft spot, right…" Hermione snorted as she took another bite of omelet. "I'll just take your word for it."

Draco quietly finished making his own omelet before sitting down across from Hermione and they finished their meal. Hermione, in thanks, taught Draco how to use a muggle dishwasher before going over to the fridge and taking off the pieces of paper that were under a magnet that looked like a replica of Hogwarts Castle as seen from the boats – including the Womping Willow.

"So what jobs did we get?" Draco asked curiously.

"I won't tell you until you tell me what you're planning to do to the nursery," Hermione grinned, happy to have a bargaining chip.

"How about I show you before I order the furniture? If you really, really don't like it, you can make a few changes that I agree upon," Draco replied sullenly. He had to admit, it might be better not to make her mad – he still remembered his own mothers mood swings all too vividly.

"Congratulations Draco," Hermione said disappointedly, "You're the mayor while I'm your wife whose only obligation besides school is to stay home and raise our kid. Damn, I really wanted to be a lawyer or something else."

Draco just snorted before taking the papers from her and reading through the ones that told him how he was supposed to do his job. "Well this seems easy enough. I just get to boss everyone around and make sure life is good."

"I'm sure you'll be great at the bossing people around part," Hermione assured, glaring at him. "I'll just have you make sure you're also doing the other half properly. I refuse to do nothing."

"Shesh, Granger – I mean Hermione – we're not so close as for you to take over my work life as well," Draco huffed.

"Oh, look at the time," Hermione said cheerfully avoiding his gaze while looking at the clock. "It's time to get ready for Double Potions; I wonder what we're doing today."

And with that she quickly sped upstairs to put on her robes and grab her bags before speeding out the door and towards the school before Draco could so much as blink.

* * *

**So feel free to tell me how you like it and I'll see you next time!**

**Mercy**

**Word Count: 4,875**


	2. Better than expected

**Hey guys, sorry it's been a while. I'd planned on updating on the 28th because I graduate this Friday and I've been working in mom's daycare and haven't had time to work on any of my fanfictions and I wanted a while to work on them and find my muses again. However, lucky for you - and me - both of my moms other employee's were here today so I had free time and I found my muse rather quickly which never happens after long absences. So I plowed this out within two hours and edited it two times before my mind started skipping over a couple errors and I had my Dad edit it - never again will I let him look at my fanfictions because he started laughing at me for no reason... :(**

**So here's this chapter and have fun. Sorry it's not as long as the last.**

**Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling hates Americans and I don't think I hate myself... hopefully.**

* * *

By the end of that day's lessons, Hermione was miserable – and that was saying something after the ordeal her, Ron, and Harry had gone through the previous year. Not only was she bored out of her mind – the professors just recounted things learned in first through third year – but her stomach ached, her head hurt, and she just wanted to lie in bed with a book before passing out without even doing the homework that was due next week. And so, as soon as Hermione walked through the front door of her and Draco's home, she walked straight to the first floor bathroom and emptied the remains of that mornings omelet before grabbing three Ibuprofen and settling down on the greenish-grey loveseat.

An hour later when Draco finally came home after checking out his new office – which he'd decided was in terrible need of redecorating – he found her sound asleep, her face scrunched up with the remnants of pain and shivering.

"Merlin, Granger," he sighed before grabbing the folded blanket that lay on the back of the couch and throwing it over her. He looked at her for a moment as her shivering stopped before making his way towards the kitchen to start steeping more gingerroot tea and to make dinner.

"Mm," Hermione mumbled as she sat up nearly two hours later and stretched, showing a tiny bit of her stomach. She gave one last yawn before standing up. Blearily she made her way towards the stairs, noting that it was already dark outside before she smelled ginger and something she couldn't identify wafting from the kitchen. Her stomach growled as she changed course.

"Sleepy Head's finally awake, huh?" Draco smirked from where he was playing with a bowl of soup at the island.

She just ignored him and took her own bowl out of the cupboard after a few minutes of looking. Before she took some for herself however, she stole Draco's spoon – gaining an indignant growl – right before he put it in his mouth, tasting the strange concoction, and nodding to herself. Taking the spoon in the pan, she ladled herself a small helping of the creamy soup.

"The Gingerroot tea's in the pot," Draco said glaring at her as he went back to his soup after taking out a spoon for her from the drawer underneath his seat at the island. "There is a pain reliever in it. It'll be cold by now and have to be reheated."

"I prefer it cold," she smiled before digging in hungrily. "Thanks for the food."

He just huffed once more and turned his head back to the book of furniture that she hadn't seen before then. She also then noticed four highlighters next to him in blue, pink, red, and green.

After a few more minutes, she noticed that he was mumbling under his breath while working and there was a crease in between his eyebrows like her father got when he was concentrating heavily on something or was irritated… or both. Ten more minutes and he pushed his bowl away – finished – and moved the book closer and his head started inching closer to the pages until Hermione thought he was about to whip out a magnifying glass.

"You are keeping track of the costs, right?" she asked casually and his head snapped up to glare at her.

"No, of course not," he replied sarcastically. "I just have no idea how to manage money and am only doing this to waste every dime we've been allotted until we get my paycheck two weeks Thursday."

She just rolled her eyes at him and continued eating.

"Say Granger…"

"Hermione!"

"Okay, Hermione. What happened to the rest of the papers that were on the fridge? There should be one for our bank account(s) and other important documents."

"They're on the nightstand in my bedroom. Give me a moment to finish this and I'll go get them."

"Hurry it up then."

"Stop being rude," she said taking another sip of tea, purposely slowing down. After five minutes of this, his patience snapped and he stomped upstairs to get the documents himself. She could hear his bedroom door slam close and assumed that is was most definitely locked. "Selfish prick."

* * *

The next morning ended up being the same as the previous: Hermione woke up and vomited up dinner, Draco made gingerroot tea and left it on her nightstand, and then Draco made breakfast while Hermione got ready for the day – despite not having a class for another two and a half hours. Not feeling that hungry, Hermione just picked at the food while Draco continued to go through the furniture book, marking it up with the different colored highlighters – which now included the color yellow.

Overcome by her curiosity, Hermione finally asked what the different colored highlighters were for only to receive a glare from Draco.

"Oh, come off it," Hermione sighed exasperated. "I was only asking."

"Don't you have something better to do Gran-Hermione? Like homework that you want to finish a week before its due or knitting those horrible hats for the house elves in the castle?"

"Jackass."

"Oh my, did the ever so innocent Hermione Granger just curse. My, my… you're moving up in the world."

Fighting off the tears – damn hormones – she turned and slowly walked away so as not to give him any clues to her mental state. Once in her room, she grabbed her school bag and shoved in a sketch pad and an assortment of pencils before going back the way she came and leaving the house for Harry and Ginny's restaurant.

"He's nothing but a selfish prick and I'm about ready to buy a plaque and nail his head on it!" Hermione ranted while Ginny sat calmly finishing up the last of her Transfiguration homework.

"And this is new how?"

"Well for one if he treats his wife this way when he gets lucky enough for her to bear his spawn, she'll probably do worse than the plaque."

Ginny just sighed before rolling up her homework and putting it back in her bag. Turning to the ranting brunette she gathered what little patience she had left before speaking. "I honestly don't see how she'd do worse. He's actually being pretty decent for a ferret. He makes you breakfast and Gingerroot tea for your stomach. Yes, he's dominating the baby's bedroom, but he's going to let you see what he's picked out before he buys it. And he's just making sure you guys can afford everything.

"Harry's already decided on the names and hasn't let me even touch that baby book I found in the library yesterday. I love him to death, which is more than what you can say for Draco, but I have more reason to bolt his head on the wall but I don't want to. I understand Harry's need for family, though I'll probably crack down on him once this progress' farther, why don't you try to see why Draco's acting like this, hmm?"

"I guess you're right… But he's still an ass. I wanted to be mayor…"

"Is that what this is about?" Ginny snickered, raising a ginger eyebrow at her friend. "You're miffed because you're a stay-home mom while he gets to be the big bad mayor?"

Hermione just shrugged, her lips twitching. Ginny tried to hold it in – she really did try – but that one tiny shrug just pushed her over the edge.

When Harry wandered in a moment later, he walked right back out. "I don't want to know…"

* * *

Later that night when Hermione got home, Draco was nowhere to be found. Sighing, she made her way to the kitchen and started steeping more gingerroot tea for her stomach. Around lunchtime, she'd noticed that she'd started to show a little and had wondered if it was part of the potion. When she'd asked Gloria, she'd been told that some of the pregnancies would progress faster than others but would return to normal speed once it hit a certain point. What pissed Hermione off was the fact that the potion did it at random and Gloria had no clue how anyone's pregnancies would develop.

"No good professor," she muttered as she started searching the cupboards for peanut butter to put on the pickles she'd just snatched from the fridge. When she turned towards the island, she noticed that the furniture book was left open with the highlighters next to it and a note on top.

Picking up the note and reading the words 'don't even think about it', Hermione sighed again and retreated to the music room she'd found next to the nursery. As she sucked on a peanut butter coated pickle, she looked through all the scores of music on the shelves. She was thinking of teaching herself to play the piano so that she could play lullabies for the baby. Finding a couple basic piano books, she put down her pickles and picked up the books to look through them. It didn't look that hard.

When Draco returned that night from remodeling his office, he found Hermione in the music room playing basic scales on the baby grand. He stood in the hall a moment just listening before going back downstairs to work on the baby's furniture. He'd never be caught dead saying it and he would deny it fervently if anyone asked, but he thought that maybe, just maybe, Hermione would be a good mother for the little tyke.

* * *

The next morning, Draco woke up the sounds of crying in the room next to his. Looking at the clock, he realized he'd overslept and he should've already had Hermione's tea ready for her. Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes before leaving his room to go see why the woman was crying.

That morning, Hermione had woken up happy as could be with no morning sickness whatsoever. That changed as soon as she got out of the shower and tried getting dressed; 'tried' being the key word. When she'd tried to get her shirt on, she found that her brand new t-shirt would not fit over her slightly swollen stomach and when she forced it, it hurt. She started trying on all of her other shirts that were looser; they didn't fit very well either.

That would've been fine – she could've just stolen one of Draco's shirts – if it hadn't been for the thrice damned hormones running through her body. No, instead of going about this like a rational person, Hermione broke down crying because she was now – in her mind – fat and therefore hideous.

And that is how Draco found her fifteen minutes later on the ground holding her favorite brown t-shirt on the ground wearing nothing but a slightly too small bra and a black skirt. Now, that ordinarily would've been okay as well but once she caught sight of Draco her mind jumped to the conclusion that it was all HIS fault and he needed to be horribly punished for it.

This is why, when Ginny showed up five minutes later, Draco was running out the door for his life with books flying out after him.

Once everything calmed down and Draco was nowhere to be found, Ginny led Hermione back inside. Said pregnant female was huffing and puffing in exertion all the while. When Ginny finally noticed Hermione's belly, her eyes nearly popped out of her head. "Holy Mother of Merlin! How the hell did you get that big?"

"Gloria left out details about the fucking potion," Hermione hissed.

"Damn, you look like that picture in the pregnancy book I found in the living room back at the apartment," Ginny said in wonder, holding a hand out towards the belly inquiring if she could touch. Hermione just grabbed the hand and put it on her stomach. "The picture was of a woman who was about five months, give or take one or two weeks."

"Well at least I'm halfway through then," Hermione sighed, calming down slightly as Ginny rubbed her belly. "Do you know if we're allowed to have Mme. Pomfry check us out at all? It would feel so much better at this point if she did."

"I agree," Ginny said. "If I'm going to go through with this I at least want to know that nothing goes wrong. We should track Gloria down later and ask. I'm sure all the other girls would like to know as well."

"I wonder how Pansy is taking this…" Hermione wondered, a scary grin creeping across her face.

"Probably horribly, just like Lavender and Pavarti," Ginny giggled. "They'd probably all have abortions just to keep their figures."

"Who did Lavender and Pavarti end up with?" Hermione wondered aloud.

"Lavender ended up with some Hufflepuff who I don't know and I think Pavarti ended up with like Neville or Dean… Not completely sure actually… wasn't paying all that much attention."

"Neither was I," Hermione laughed.

"C'mon, I came over here to invite you to breakfast with Harry and I," Ginny smiled affectionately as she gave Hermione's belly one last pat. "Since Draco decided to go to work early, he's not invited."

"Give me a moment, I need to steal one of his shirts since I outgrew all of mine overnight," Hermione told her before heading to Draco's room as fast as she could in her condition.

* * *

To say everyone was shocked when they saw Hermione that day was an understatement. Out of all her classmates, she was the farthest along in the pregnancy; even Gloria was surprised when Hermione and Ginny asked her if they could have Mme. Pomfry check on their pregnancies. She said that they could and that she wanted Hermione to go as soon as she got out of class since she shouldn't have been that far along already.

When Draco got home late that night, he found Hermione in the kitchen with the table set for two, absently rubbing her swollen stomach. Raising an eyebrow, he cautiously entered the kitchen.

Seeing Draco enter, Hermione gestured for him to sit down across from him before speaking. "I saw Mme. Pomfry during lunch today."

"Mm," he replied wearily as he sat down, eyeing her. "And?"

"Well, you might want to buy three cribs," she sighed.

"Huh?" his eyes bulged.

"There isn't just one bun in the oven, honey dearest," Hermione smirked at him. "There're three."

Next thing either of them knew, Draco had passed out, face in her spaghetti and meatballs on the plate in front of him.

Hermione just raised an eyebrow appreciatively. "Well that went better than expected…"

* * *

**Okay, let me clarify some things for people who have a) never been around pregnant people or b) been around rather tame pregnant people... I've seen all the stuff I described about Hermione's mood swings, Morning sickness, and other stuff happen with pregnant people. Trust me, my mom was not a happy pregnant woman, neither were any of my cousins, other relatives, or my moms pregnant daycare clientele. I've seen many shades of pregnant people and I find it scary and humorous at the same time. I'm going to try to highlight the humorous portions and skip the scary because I prefer humor to horror.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Mercy**

**Word Count: 2,453**


	3. Anger and Food Poisoning

**So, if you've read my profile, you know I'm currently sick as a dog - I'm seriously thinking of killing the dog who gave me this sickness - and can hardly go twenty minutes without running for the nearest bathroom. If you didn't know... well now you do. It took me forever writing this in between nausea sessions but I got it done. It's unedited and completely raw but I'm not in the mood to edit it right now and I'll go back over it later. If anyone finds any obvious mistakes: please tell me.**

**Disclaimer: Seriously, if I'm writing fanfiction on it, how can I own it? This would've been the original book.**

* * *

When Draco woke up, he was on the couch and Hermione was taking a nap on the loveseat curled up in an oversized blanket to keep her warm. He couldn't help but smile at the sight. Hermione stirred and he quickly donned his neutral face – never in the seven levels of hell would he let her catch him smiling.

After a yawn and patting her stomach, Hermione looked around for what woke her and saw Draco standing in front of her staring at her stomach. "Is it true?"

"Hmm?" Hermione murmured, rubbing her belly.

"There are three in there."

"Nope, there are eight," Hermione grinned playfully much to Draco's annoyance.

"Don't play with me Granger-"

"Hermione!"

"I'm not in the mood," he hissed and turned away dramatically. "Just great! It was bad enough having one brat with you but now I get the honor of three. Three! What the bloody hell did I do to deserve this? I must've pissed somebody up there off in another li…"

He froze when he felt a chill run up his neck and turned around to see a glare that would make even his uncle Severus shudder in fear.

"If they're brats then you don't have to be involved in their raising, oh high lord mayor," Hermione hissed. "I'll be just fine raising them myself; I am after all going to be a motherfucking house wife."

There was so much venom in her voice that Draco took an instinctive step back as she stood up. "I feel sorry for the bitch who marries you. She'll have made the worst decision of her entire life because she won't have one left once the vows are said."

With a final glare, Hermione turned and left the living room and marched up the stairs to her room, fuming.

Who the hell did that ferret think he was? God? Hah! Don't make her laugh. He was going to regret calling her babies brats if it was the last thing she ever did. No gingerroot tea or other food would change her mind. Draco Malfoy was a dead man; he just didn't know it yet.

* * *

Meanwhile, the said dead man was on his way to Harry and Ginny's restaurant – though it was the last place he should go after angering his 'wife' – to seek counsel with them on how to fix his problem. Why you ask? Well, Crabbe and Goyle weren't smart enough for this, Pansy would tell him it served him right – she'd probably help Hermione for revenge despite Hermione being a mu-muggleborn – Blaise would laugh his butt off, and Theo… Ah, good old Theo would just sit there, book in hand, with an expression plainly stating 'well, what the hell you want me to do about it? It's your problem not mine.' He could just see it now – and no, it was not because he just passed the house that was currently Theo's and whomever he happened to be paired up with and Theo just happened to be on the front porch reading at that very moment.

Upon reaching Potters Muggle Cuisine – probably Ginny's idea – Draco entered and asked one of the waitress' – who in their right mind would hire Lavender to be a waitress? – where Ginny was and was directed – reluctantly – to one of the tables where a just beginning to show Ginny was sitting down and taking a break.

"What do you want, Malfoy," she sighed, taking another sip of her decaffeinated tea – damn the little midget gnome, she wanted her caffeine.

"I need help."

Ginny arched an eyebrow.

"I accidentally pissed off Hermione…"

"Accidentally?"

"It was more a slip of the tongue but I didn't really mean it…"

Eyebrow.

"Okay, maybe I did at the time."

Even higher.

"Okay maybe I still do mean what I said, but I want to fix it. I swear!"

"Depends on what you said and what's in it for me…"

"I'll give you anything I can get."

"Hermione said you make very good soup and I'm in the mood for clam chowder with extra hot sauce."

"Deal!"

"But you still have to tell me what you said."

"I called the triplets brats when she told me and maybe implied that she was dirt and wasn't worthy of bearing my children… And maybe in different words…"

"You're on your own. Get out. Now."

"But I…"

"Don't fucking care. Out before I have Harry throw you out. Or maybe I'll ask Blaise – did you know he's Lavenders husband and spends a lot of time here. We actually get along swimmingly and I'd bet he would enjoy this very much."

"But…"

"Oh, Blaise!"

"I'm going, I'm going…"

"Very good. And don't come back until you're on speaking terms with Hermione and she personally brings you back."

On his way out, all the women who'd been within hearing distance of his and Ginny's conversation glared at him while all of their partners gave him looks that plainly said 'it was nice knowing you'.

"Now how am I supposed to do this?" Draco groaned once outside the restaurant. Chocolates and flowers wouldn't work:

1) they weren't involved

2) she was too mad for them to work and

3) he didn't know what kinds she'd like

Writing her a song was out as well – he just wasn't _that _musically gifted no matter how much his parents said otherwise. Maybe borrowing someone else's song? Nope… she'd be insulted.

A light bulb flashed into existence above his head and started flashing and a Ding-Ding-Ding noise came from nowhere. Hmmm… maybe… that last idea might just work. Now to go set everything up. And it wouldn't hurt to have a couple pieces… or boxes of chocolate and flowers in reserve.

* * *

Hermione was at home in the kitchen. She had thought up the perfect revenge against that ferret bastard. Food Poisoning. And so here she was cooking dinner for the both of them. While the food would be poison for him, as a pregnant person the food wouldn't faze her. That is why she made a stir-fry with chicken, mushrooms, assorted veggies, hot sauce, soy sauce, mayonnaise, ketchup, and I probably shouldn't tell you the rest… it's not very pleasant.

So she finished it, set the table for two and served the food. Now she just had to wait for Draco to return home. Speak of the devil, the sound of a door opening and closing reverberated through the house just as she started to hide – I mean remove the mechanisms she used to create her concoction.

"Hermione?" Draco called uncertain from the hall. She refused to answer. So he searched the whole downstairs. When he came to the kitchen he sighed in relief at seeing her there and smiled – something he never thought he'd do in her presence. "Found you."

"Oh yippee joy," she said dryly.

"I went to the office to pick up the furniture book and the baby names book. I need help with picking out what colors and I couldn't decide on the cribs and the rocking chair… can you help me?"

Hermione's eyes nearly bugged out of her head.

"And while we do that, I picked up some chocolate pastries from Theo's bakery; he had extras so he game them to me for discount," never mind that it was only a five dollar discount but hey, it was a discount. "And Pansy thought that you'd like to put these daffodils in the nursery…"

Who was she kidding; Hermione knew exactly what he was trying to do. And curse her, it was working… What mother wouldn't forgive someone who went to such extremes to try and fix something like what he'd done… this was probably killing the ferret.

Poisoned food forgotten, Hermione gave Draco a big hug – didn't work as well as she'd wanted with her belly – and nodded. "I forgive you… for now. Don't ever do it again or I'll kill you."

"Yes, ma'am," Draco nodded and then saw the set table with dinner already laid out. "Now lets eat and then we can go through the books together."

Hermione knew she was forgetting something at that point but she just couldn't remember what. She was so happy that she didn't even really care… Until she put a forkful of her stir-fry in her mouth and remembered something very important.

"Oh, Draco! I would…" Hermione started. Too late... He'd already eaten a two forkfuls before he realized that something just wasn't right before actually looking at the food, turning green and passing out.

* * *

Ring ring… ring ring… rin- caching.

"Hello, Potters residence," Ginny said picking up the phone. "This is Ginny speaking."

"Ginny! Oh my god, help!" Hermione wailed through the phone. She was very noticeably hyperventilating. That could not be good for the babies, Ginny thought.

"Hermione calm down and tell me what's wrong," Ginny sighed. She guessed it would have something to do with what Draco'd said earlier.

"I… I… I…"

"Shh, everything'll be all right. Calm down and speak coherently."

"I think I killed Draco!"

"Huh…?"

"Well I made us dinner as revenge for something he said earlier…"

"Yeah…"

"And then he came in with the baby books and the chocolate pastries and the damned daffodils and I completely forgot about the poison and completely forgave him and then we sat down to eat and I forgot to mention that I killed the food and I don't think he's breathing and HELP!"

"Okay, Hermione calm down," Ginny sighed not caring at all about the dying Slytherin. "I'll grab Harry, Ron, Blaise, and Theo. They'll be able to help while I go get mme Pomfry. Now remember: Don't Panic. It's not good for the babies."

"O-okay…"

"Very good, now we'll be there shortly and if you need anything while we're on our way, I'm sure a neighbor can help. Actually, I think Theo and Luna live next door to you so call for them while I'm coming. Okay, I'm going to hang up now."

"Bu…"

Caching.

"We'll at least things will never be boring around here…" Ginny sighed before calling for Harry to close the restaurant and grabbing Blaise and Lavender and heading over to Hermione's house while explaining everything along the way.

* * *

**Word Count: 1,721**


End file.
